19 months later...

I feel the need to blog today. I doubt anyone reads this anymore, but you know what? I’m ok with that. This is more for me than for anyone else. I like looking back and reading where I’ve been and just how far I’ve come.

I last left off in April, just after closing on my house. I moved in on May 24, just like I had planned. I loved living there – it truly was one of the best things I’ve ever done. Notice how all of this is past tense? As in I don’t live there any more? Yeah, that’s a fact.

Just over 3 months, and several dates later, I met A. A is a wonderful man. So wonderful, in fact, that even 1.2 years later, I still have to pinch myself to see if it is all real. We started dating and hit it off immediately. Three months after we met, we took a week-long vacation to Disney World. Two months after that, he bought me my very own kitty (he already had 3). I’ve been living with him ever since. That was last February.

Of course, I still had a house with gas, electric and other various utilities that was just collecting dust. And, as we all know, this is neither the time nor the place to try selling a house – especially one as heavily financed as mine is. So, I listed it for rent. It was a fairly easy process – I just put a posting up on Craig’s List for free. I had several responses and took several applications. I finally decided on renters and they signed a lease.

And when I thought I wouldn’t move for a very long time…I was packing my things up once again. Less than a year from when I moved in, I was moving out. The renters have been living in my house since June of this year and things are going very well. They have had a few minor issues come up here and there, but they are just that…minor. They pay their rent on time every month and I don’t hear a peep from them unless that “something minor” comes up. I couldn’t have been blessed with better renters my first time out.

Meanwhile, living with A has been wonderful. Sometimes it seems surreal to be in such a “heavy” relationship so soon after my second divorce. I emphasize the second because I seem to be notorious for getting in to failing relationships. But this, this is so very different from anything I’ve ever experienced. And to me…different is good.

We travel a lot. Mostly little weekend getaways to not-so-far away locations. We did take a cruise this fall – that was a great trip. We have a very active social life including season tickets to three live theater centers and MSU football games. We bought a Wii and a Wii Fit Balance Board. We both belong to the same gym and “enjoy” running (however much one can truly enjoy running). We are hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year for my family. Oh, did I mention how great of a cook he is? He’s like a gourmet chef and cooks dinner for me every night.

We don’t ever talk the “M” word, but I get panic attacks when thinking about entering a third M. So, I’m more than ok with that. However, I think deep down it will happen again – and probably not too far off in the distant future.

So, all in all, life is not what I thought it would look like at this point. It’s better than I imagined.

It's Official!

I’m a home owner! I closed on the house yesterday afternoon. I thought I was going to get writers’ cramps from signing my name so many times, but I was expecting that. It was a pretty painless process overall. It’s amazing how much electronic communication has really changed the way business is done. I never even met my mortgage broker until after I finished signing the papers! We had done all of the work over phone, fax and e-mail. While we were sitting there (agents, brokers, sellers and myself) waiting for the finalization of everything, we were all making small talk. The couple I just bought the house from is moving to a condo in California – since they no longer need things like hoses, sprinklers, shovels, rakes, etc, I scored all of that stuff for free! Rock on!

They officially move out three weeks from today, so now I will start prepping for the move. Once they move out, I will take about 2 weeks to clean, paint and get ready to move in. I’ve hired movers to move my furniture on 5/24 and that is when it will be official. It still seems like so far away.

Still…I’m a home owner. Woohoo!

Found

Hi. It’s me again. Things are going pretty well. Spring is right around the corner. I’ve been out taking walks again and that always makes me happy. I’ve been house hunting too. Ever since my first divorce I promised myself that I would own my own home by 2007. I’m happy to report that I’ve been able to keep that promise. I found a house yesterday, put an offer in and they accepted it last night. Close should be around mid-April and I should have possession around mid-May (I gave them some time). It works out perfectly as my lease is up in May.

I’m so excited. It is a 3 bedroom, 2 bath ranch with a full (mostly) finished basement. The kitchen has been recently remodeled. It has a 1 stall unattached garage, a deck and central air. The furnace is 6 years old and the hot water heater is 4 years old. I negotiated for the sellers to pay all of my closing costs, and for all of the appliances to stay including the washer and dryer and even the lawn mower. Because, you know, I have been renting for years and don’t have one of those.

So I feel found again. I feel like I have an identity and that identity is a strong, independent woman who can do anything she puts her mind too. My career is taking off again and some exciting things are going to happen this year, which also is a big part of my identity.

Things are good.

Lost

How does one find an identity? I seem to have lost mine. Or maybe I never really had one to begin with…at least not the one I am supposed to have. When I finished high school, I had just started dating ex-husband #1. I started in college (local), but it wasn't long before I went from full-time status down to part-time status. I moved in with my then boyfriend and before the time I would have graduated college, I was married. My goal was to be a wife and a mother. My first husband did not want to have children and that was one of the top reasons for our divorce.

When we started going through the divorce, the majority of my panic attacks stemmed from the idea of being alone. Who would want to marry me? I am divorced. At 25 no less. I found that when I was dating new people, I latched on quickly. Relationships are my comfort zone. They are my identity. Without them – I feel like I am nobody.

I then met ex-husband #2 and latched on to him because he had a college degree, a government job and promises of family. I may have spoke of this before, but I got so lost in that identity – of wanting to have a child so badly, that I lost all sense of who I was and what I needed. I neglected myself and stayed in a borderline abusive relationship for far longer than I ever should have. It wasn't until that fateful day in January, 2006 when I finally realized that this was not the life I wanted. I gave up my dream of a family when I decided that I no longer wanted to be married to him. I mean, now I have been divorced TWO times and cannot bear children. Really? Who would ever want me now?

Nonetheless, I was still determined not to face life alone, even if I were to "casually" date someone. It wasn't long after the divorce that I started dating again. When G came, I latched as I typically do. Hell, he accepted the fact that I was divorced two times and he already had children/did not want any more. Perfect. Stable job, nice car, beautiful house, so much in common and the list goes on. And, of course, we broke up. And you all know the story…I immediately signed back up for dating sites. I was determined not to be alone.

It was more than just a dear friend's comment to me about finding myself that made me realize that I was only dating people to fill that void. Others told me as well. I quickly learned that I cannot be truly happy with my life if I first cannot be happy with myself. I stopped the dating sites and was focused on me for a while. Another friend had asked me if I was able to go out by myself and enjoy it. It's a sign of confidence. A lot of people cannot do that. I was going out by myself. I was going to OC (local restaurant) and meeting new people, making new friends. I felt confident – like I could face life alone. Or as a single person, rather.

I think this restaurant and this world beer tour (gimmick at the restaurant) became my new identity. I was focused on the beer tour. And now it is over and once again I feel lost. Who the hell lets a beer tour become their identity? More importantly, who the hell can't seem to find an identity?

I don't know how to do this – to find out who I am and what my life is supposed to mean and be for me. I'm still not over the fact that it is not family. Oh sure, maybe one day that will change…again. But for now, right now, my life is so far away from that and I feel so lost because of it.

Updates and such...

Well, I’m surviving. I figured I would, it just sucked for a bit. But, I’m back on top of the world, enjoying life, having a great time, going out, experiencing life, etc., etc., etc. I sound like I’m faking it, but really, I’m not. Things are good for me right now.

I saw my doctor last month. We discussed my pain issue. She thinks going to a continuous BC pill will help, so she prescribed me to take the pill for 4 months at a time, giving me 3-4 periods per year. Sounds good to me…except, I kinda need to start my period in order to get the ball rolling. I’m on day 40 today. Back when I was TTC, I never had a cycle this long – not even post m/c! I just don’t get it. I’m not pregnant, I’ve ruled that out (wouldn’t that have been ironic, though?). So, it’s just a waiting game. It’s messing with my emotions and the water weight issues are the pits! *sigh*

Not much else going on, other than the constant going out lately. Oh, I bought a new dining room table. You can see pictures here and here. It actually has eight chairs with a hidden leaf, but my “dining room” isn’t big enough to hold it all.

Advice needed

So, I need your opinion. I know there are only 3 or 4 who read this, but input would be greatly appreciated. So, my endo is coming back and it’s causing some discomfort with intimate relations. Hell, who am I kidding – at times it effing hurts! So, I’m wondering if I should do anything about it. Would it be bad to have another cleaning surgery – I don’t want to have too many of those for fear of scar tissue build up. A couple posts ago, I mentioned that I’ve closed the door on the idea of having children. That still is the prominent feeling, but I know that could change too should the right guy come along, yada, yada, yada. So, I don’t want to do unnecessary damage should that door re-open. I need to live for the now though. I don’t like having pain during what should be an enjoyable time. Is there another alternative besides surgery?

Looking for that strength again

I did it before, I can do it again. I hadn’t updated lately because like so many of the other blogs I read, the writers generally do not update when things are going well. Things in my life seemed to be going really well. G and I were moving along at a reasonable pace. We spent a weekend in Cedar Point and were getting ready to go spend a week on the beach in Cancun a week from today. But…

We broke up.

It still seems unreal to me. No, more like senseless. G has been hurt, badly, in the past. Hell, I’m sure we all have. He is scared of getting hurt again. I guess I’m his first serious relationship post getting hurt. He had a wall up and the closer he got to the wall with his feelings, the more scared he became. It got to the point where he was pulling away – running away from the wall.

Earlier this week, he said he wanted to slow down our relationship – in a big way. He wanted to just be friends. I would love to be friends with him – he is a great guy – but my heart is too far gone for that to happen right now. The long and short of it is I told him that he needs to figure out what he wants and when he does, should it include a relationship, he is more than welcome to call me and see where things stand.

I just can’t put my life on hold, feel like I’m being strung along, while he waits to determine what he wants and needs. Then what? Another month or two down the road he still thinks he can’t do it. It would only be worse then.

The hardest part is he is such a great guy – this issue aside. Truly everything I’ve been looking for. And, of course, he told me the same thing…I’m everything he’s been looking for – he just can’t get over that wall. We hugged goodbye and as we were embraced, I said I wished I had a magic wand. He agreed and wished he could change himself. We both cried.

Seriously, the feelings are obviously there, I just wish…well, it doesn’t matter. This is the way it has to be for now. If you love someone, set them free…if they return, it was meant to be. That’s what I had to do.

Again, senseless it seems. So now, I’m looking for that strength because this one hurts more than anyone ever has.

The door is closed

I had a talk with G the other night. Now, before I get in to the details, I want to share that he’s already told me that he had the big V after his last child was born. It wasn’t something he necessarily wanted to do, but felt pressure to do it from his ex-wife. He also told me that he is open to the idea of a reversal.

So, the other night, I finally told him about my infertility. I told him of the hell I went through over the past three years. I told him how I got pregnant, but lost the baby. I told him how that was the worst three years of my life and that because of my incredibly strong desire to have a child, I lost focus of who I was and what I wanted. I stayed with a man who lied to me…repeatedly. I also told him that my infertility was a blessing in disguise. I truly believe that.

Once I snapped out of the fog I was under, I truly was able to see clearly. Such a cliché, I know, but so true. I saw that I was no longer myself. I saw that I was married to a man who was borderline abusive to me (never physically, only emotionally and verbally). I saw exactly what I did not want to deal with for the rest of my life.

Right now, the door to me having a child is closed. I have taken all of my infertility weight back off. I’m in better shape than I’ve been in for years. I’m happy with the way things are going in my life. The idea of opening that door back up scares the shit out of me. Personally, I think it is a slippery slope. Sure, I can say that I would see the warning signs and know what to look for, but how long would it last? Probably not long before I get frustrated, then depressed, then who knows what after that?

I can honestly, 100% say that I am completely happy with the door closed. That was a concept I had to come to terms with in order to take the first step of leaving my now ex-husband. I don’t regret it one bit. Add to that the fact G has had a vasectomy – that makes keeping the door closed even easier. We’re not to that point in the relationship yet…not by a long shot. Still, I have to think about these things. It’s in my nature.

Better each day

Well now, a lot has happened since the last time I updated, or at least it feels like a lot has happened. I went out on date #2 with new guy (G). We went to dinner, to a baseball game and then just hung out for a while. We had a great time.

I went on my week long business trip that took me to 6 different states in 7 days. It was exhausting, but very good (and possibly even fun). The fun part is when I spent the weekend in Seattle – I did a ton of sight seeing. What a beautiful area! The whole time I was gone, I talked to G on the phone. That was nice.

When I got back, G and I made plans to go to dinner and a movie, but I was so tired of running around and eating out all the time, I changed the plans to having him over for dinner and renting some movies. That worked out rather nicely. He came over last Friday. I made grilled salmon with a pineapple salsa on top, a veggie and a salad. He brought a couple bottles of wine and we had a great evening.

Last Saturday, we went to lunch then to play mini-golf and ride go-karts. We had a blast! It was a great weekend. Except for when I started breaking out in bumps. They’re not itchy or anything, but I thought I better see a doctor about them anyway. I have contact dermatitis – they think I picked something up from my business trip (I did go hiking on that weekend). The biggest worry was determining if I was contagious or not. I was relieved to find out that I was not contagious. The bumps have stopped spreading and are starting to go away.

G and I went out for lunch yesterday and are going out again tomorrow. He leaves tomorrow evening to go camping up north with family and will not be back until Sunday. I’m going to miss him.

So glad things seem to be continuing to go well.

Healed

Well, not completely, but damn I’ve never felt better. I mentioned in my first post (just scroll down and read…I’m too lazy to link and there’s only been a few posts since) that I made some stupid mistakes during and after my divorce that I have been trying to get over. Well, this weekend some stuff went down and I think I am finally over all that garbage once and for all. It’s definitely nice to know that I wasn’t crazy through all that and to know that I really can trust my instincts. I didn’t give them enough credit before, but I will never doubt them now. The only silver lining of going through what I did is that I honestly feel like I came out a stronger and wiser person.

In other news, I’m going out on date #2 with a new guy tonight. We had an excellent date on Saturday and we are going out again tonight. We both wanted to see each other before I left for a business trip tomorrow, which to me is very promising. I’ll keep you posted.

Other than that…I think I have finally found myself again. And that makes me very happy.